An Unplanned love story (PART 3, the end )

[ CONTINUATION!] 

( You can read the second part of the story in case you haven't read through the hyperlink attached here, An Unplanned love story- Part 2 )

I replied with a very vague text, okay and then left the other texts which were unnecessary on read. I sat so emotionless. I was not crying anymore, I just sat. No music. No phone. No nothing. I sat like that for some hours. I lost track of my time. I don't know if I can be rude to him just because he was in love with someone else. But once, my friends told me that sometimes it is necessary that we choose ourself over others. Especially when you fall in love and it turns out to be a toxic one or a case where that person falls in love with somebody else, it is okay to walk out rather than holding on to each other as friends. People who fell in love cannot be friends without expectations. They told me how bad one would end up if he / she thinks that they can be like normal as friends after falling in love.

 My mother called me for lunch. I did not hear her for the first instance. She came to my room and called me again. Then, I stood and followed her. Finished my lunch in just a few minutes which is completely opposite to my eating timings. I went back to my room and held my phone. I did not want any texts from him. For the first time in almost some months, I wanted no texts from him. I did not want to talk to him. Yet, there is a notification.

"You are not talking to me just because I asked you to, right...?  Please do not do anything like that.. I cannot afford to lose another 'my person'..."

You really think you still have me, Duffer? I am there, but you don't have me. You cannot either. I do not know what your girlfriend thinks if she gets to know what we had. If I were in her shoes, I would be devastated. I am not even sure now, if we had really anything between us. With my brain already filled with no space, I texted him back.

"See, I would promise you one thing. If I decide to leave, I will leave without telling you. That's it."

Was I rude? I don't know. I shouldn't mind. 

"Ah.. just tell me prior in case you want to leave... Please.."

"Does it hurt you the way we are now, Duffer?"

"Yes Dummy. It does."

"For me too. But, you know this is the only way it is possible. I cannot hurt myself anymore. I don't want you to hurt me anymore... We spoke like we were lovers, we had something between us, I didn't want any hope, I didn't had any either but then you came in, you gave me a tiny little hope, you spoke like you were in love with me, and now I feel like you cheated upon me, may be that's not the case but it is giving me anxiety."

"That wasn't it. Wasn't I ever clear to you? About everything... Uh, okay I am sorry my bad."

He is sorry for me because I am trying to tell him what we had or is he sorry because he feels really?

"You were never clear! You were ambiguous. You said you knew we were more than friends. You were okay with that fact because you felt the same too! And now you are making me feel like I shouldn't have said any of this. I feel like I am making you go guilty..."

"Yeah, may be I was not clear. I told her about you. You too know that you are always my best friend. You are always my priority, you would matter to me, and I would always care for you..."

" Please stop calling that. Best friends do not talk like how we talk. And I already told what a bestfriend for me is like. I do not belong to this generation regarding this topic. Friends do not flirt like we did. Friends do not make promises to find out ways to live together like we did. I do not find any sense in that tagline you are giving me, Duffer. I am angry at you for the way things and hope that happened between us and not because you got a girlfriend. I am afraid, Duffer I am afraid for falling in love with you even after all this. I am afraid if your girlfriend feels bad because of my presence. I am afraid that I would open the doors of my heart and welcome you for the second time.What if I cannot accept your love one day, and what if I ask you to choose me over her...? What if I turn out into someone that I myself hate?"

"Okay"

what the f is okay?

"Reply me something else and not okay."

"I don't know what should I reply like. I somehow don't feel right. Now that I know you are not willing to be the same with me, I feel bad..."

I seriously feel sick. I do not feel good about where this is going. I shouldn't have fell first. I should have stayed calm. I punched the wall in despair and anger. I was angry at myself. I was angry at the fact that I presumed it all to be as love. I was angry at the way how I forgave him so easily even after my heart being broken into pieces. 

"I do not want to blame anything on you... But all I truly want is you to be precise with all the decisions you take from now on...!"

"So.. things fine between us ? Dummy? May be you should talk to her, I mean you both could be friends..."

I am done with this! ME TALK TO HER??? 

"Ahm, will that not be weird? May be no, or ah its okay let her text me... We can talk.."

"Only if you are okay with it...or else what if we meet and things might getter better. I can come and pick you up. We would also get some space to talk with each other. Too many things, too many confessions, too many topics we can talk everything in our own and very personal space..."

What else is left to talk Duffer? I wanted to ask this to him, but I know this question would hurt him. So I stayed calm.

"Uhm, no I think it is not possible..."

"Ahm, okay.."

Things became harder once I left that text on read. We did not talk like casual, atleast I didn't . I tried to but I failed... I couldn't carry the war going inside me. I started questioning my worth. I started feeling too much insecure. I could blame on nothing. But I felt void. 

It has almost been a week since all the drama had happened. I think it was the first time that I used my mobile less. I did not use instagram, facebook or any social media for more than 30 minutes. Not that this thing happened, but I felt uninterseted in almost everything. He then texted me, finally may be..

" Dummy, I don't understand why things are different between you and me. I am sorry but I feel like I commited something bad. I will be there whenever you need me. Goodluck."

I cried. I cried with no thoughts. I missed him, so I cried. I was hurt so I cried. I was feeling lonely, detached from the world, left out ...so I cried. How in the world does he understand what I am going through. May be I am fine too. I got habituated too, yet there is a feeling of void. To not feel bad and sad, have I not put myself busy over a week? I was busy to even care about anything that was happening around me. I was doing okay. I was surviving. I too did not want things to be different between us. But then this is the only way. This is the only way I can fix things, with myself and also in general. 

I wanted to reply but I did not. I did not feel like justifying whatever he thinks neither my own reasons and thoughts. I want him to understand someday. I want to him to understand why it is not possible to be friends with someone who always loved. I wanted him to understand the difference between love and friendship. And all these can be understood by him through his own experiences and not through my explanations.

-------------------xxxxxxxxxxxxxx-----------------

( A year later)

I was enjoying the sunset at the beach side. I was never this calm in the past one year. It has been really tough. I smiled looking at a kid who is playing by the water. She returned the smile and continued playing. I was calm and thats when I have heard someone calling " You, Dummy, over here" I was taken back for few minutes. All my flashbacks, all my silence over the year, all the instances of how we never spoke after a very short conversation, all the memories and eveything about him flashed right before my eyes. I did think about him a lot of time over the year. I missed him more than I could actually say. But, I did move on from him. May be I remember him as not my love but as a boy who hurt me. I've kept him within me, without him in real. I took my phone, opened the notes app and started typing.

"Here our story ends

With the love within

And with the ignorance spleen

I wish 

You to be no more in my words

For the letters I wrote

I would burn them in hell

You were the poem,

You are the poem

But u will not be a poem

For tomorrow 

I would search for new words

That would give me everything but sorrow

The flower can never hate its own land

but it wilts and gets burried in the same place it found love

The ocean will carry the sand 

For it has been its best friend

The roots will split from the trees

For it, the time has come to be gone…"

I looked at the person who called Dummy, I smiled. I cherished my past. I welcomed my future. I know I cannot find the same kind of love, but surely I know I will fall in love again. I lost a friend for love, I lost an eternity for peace. I choose myself for him, I choose myself for me. I had to let it go and I finally did let him go. I smiled again, with all the hope as decoration on my lips. I walked with the courage I found over the year, I walked with him within forever...

                                   ---------------------THE END--------------------

Thanks to Dummy and Duffer for teaching me a lot of things, I can never forget you for now you are imprisoned in my writings. The necessary to choose themself for the peace is the main intention of the story. Do not feel guilty for certain decisions. Let it go...

Never meant to hurt anyone!!

Thank you,

Ananya

P.S, I actually had plans only to make two parts but then the second one became a little lengthy because of which I had to make it to the three. Sorry and thank you <3