Pixie - Part 4

The final part it is.! Hope you read the previous part if not, do click on the hyper link Pixie - Part 3 attached here!

Happy Readingg!! 

[Continuation]

He remained silent and sat next to me after our last conversation. Now we were both watching, slowly and placidly, as the sun rose again from the ocean. The sky's hues were more pleasing.

“Each color represents an emotion. And to make the sky’s kingdom a balanced one, Lord Surya has promised to remind all the clouds, beaches, and mountains that he will shine so colorfully every day in the mornings and evenings. This is a theory, you know, Pixie.

“Where did you find it?"

“In my mind!” I smiled at him, being very impressed.

“Well, I do know a theory. Want to know?”
"Of course yes, Pixie!”

“Well, it seems that the sun once expressed its love for the moon. The moon has not answered any because if it had said yes, then the sun would have exploded its brightness out of happiness, and if it had said no, then the world’s brightness would have been completely eradicated. So, the moon simply said, ‘I don’t know’ and continued to orbit both Earth and the sun. Whenever they met or completely distanced outside their vicinity, the universe would either be blocked out of the sunlight or would have been too much brighter, which we know as an eclipse.”

He was amazed by this. I could tell this from his expressions.

"Okay, don’t be too amazed; I found the first half of this theory on Instagram; the eclipse and revolving part, I added it.”

“Pixie! This is beyond wonderful… How? How could your mind be this beautiful?”

“AH! Okay, relax, Mihir!” I seriously do not know how to take compliments!

“Okay, so since you said living is through admiring and accepting the truth, how are you living right now? On what truth?”

Interesting. I wasn’t prepared for this question.

“My truth? What do you mean?”

“Your truth means you! The real reason behind your current state of being. The good and the bad truths, the lonely and the popular truths, the deepest desires, and the unwanted parts of your truths.”

It's the most profound question someone has ever posed to me. I couldn't take my eyes off of him.

“Well, my truth of life comes from the ideology of being free, unmasked, and crazy. I always had this dream to travel the world, adopt their cultures and languages, and fall in love with every moment I lived. Sometimes, obviously, we turn into someone we never want to be like, and that is when I understood all we must do in our lives is accept irrespective of how we turned out to be like. If you are unable to accept who you are, then make the necessary changes and give yourself what you can. Even though you can't always give, you can still accept. Accept everything—letting go, learning, apologizing, questioning, and accepting oneself. I have come to realize that giving is just as vital as accepting after moving to Bombay. Bombay is also my home, if Hyderabad is. Since Bombay is where I began living my truth, I believe I love it just as much as my hometown.

“What about love truths? Have you ever been in love?”

I giggled. “I believe that I fall in love far too easily. So yes, I have been in love. And everytime I fell in love, love made me believe I am a fool. Yet somehow, I keep falling into the same pothole. There was a guy I remember with whom I first felt like I loved, I understood what love feels like, I felt different emotions, and that same guy was the reason I sometimes hated love. Things were never easy after that. I was furious at men, I was furious at love, I was disturbed and I was sad. Listening to the blame which you are not even a part off is more hurtful than actual pain. May be that’s why love has never been in my list of life…"

I did not realize my voice was fading out. I was sad. And he placed his hand on my cheeks and told me, "The one feeling that has the power to both create and break us is love. You've come a long way, escaping your past and embracing life's freedom. This level of fortitude to accept things as they are would never be seen in anyone. And as a result, I have more respect for you and am proud of you.”

I gave him a weak smile, and he continued speaking. You know, I felt like my life was on the upswing when I first met Amrutha. Her smile was all that kept me going. My parents were unaware of the stress I experienced from my job. Another thing I wasn't very good at was my degree. For my parents, I kept going after my physics degree. My passion for photography and cinematography has always been strong. Amrutha was the driving force behind my decision to choose this career path rather than continuing with my degree. She is the reason I discovered myself, and she is the reason I developed fear of relationships. Seems contradictory, right? She was the most beautiful girl, but she never valued my likes and dislikes. She used to judge me for having friends of the opposite sex. She used to stalk my Instagram followers. She was tough. And I accepted everything about her only because I loved her. Sometimes love was tolerance too. And when she said she wanted a break in our relationship, I was confused, sad, and happy. I felt guilty for feeling happy, yet I felt the same because I was set free from her love.”

“Do you still love her?”

“I do not know.”

We both stayed silent. This silence was the proof of the beautiful friendship between us. I felt like a kid whenever I was with him. He used to pamper me, and I loved that always. We were both tired souls, stuck in love and unlove.

“Kiara, you were the reason I felt alive again. You never judged me, even after knowing a few secrets of mine. You acknowledged my truths, likes and dislikes, the way I am.

*Tring *Tring

Damn these phones, why do they interrupt us? He calmly went far away. He generally tells me to excuse me, but now he doesn't know why? I sat there, wondering who it might be. None of my business, but duh! I have a curious mind. I sat in confusion for about 20 minutes.

He came back with slow steps; his expression was not understandable.

“Pixie…Amrutha is in Bombay. She wants to meet me."

Oh. Amrutha. Yeah, she is his girlfriend I remember, but why is she back?

“Oh. That is nice.”

“I do not know what I am supposed to do. But before anything else, let me just say something. More like my truth. I have named you Pixie because you were like that star dust, pixie dust! That has come into my life to guide me in my darkness. You were that fairy for me.”

“Why are you telling me this now? Out of blue?”

“I wanted to tell before I lose a moment between us."

I did not understand what he meant, but all I know and all I realize is that he should not be more than a friend to me.

“Ahm, okay.” There was more that he wanted to tell me. However, he didn't. We have never felt this uncomfortable, but now that we are facing each other and standing together, we realize that we have connected in a way that words cannot describe. He and I both feel something for each other, but we are unable to express it, so we end up talking to each other in quiet.

“I will meet you some other time... I must go.”

“Yep, sure. Have fun! Say Hi to Amrutha."

“Amrutha doesn’t know about you."

“What?”

“Well, I told her that I made a new friend who is too good but she doesn’t know that we are this close."

“Oh, never mind. It is okay.”

“What do you think about her?”

“Will it matter?”

“Yes, it does.”

“How?”

"Ahm, maybe it will help me clear my confusion.”

“What if the confusion just gets worse?”

“Why will it?”

"Because I have feelings for you.”

And I said it. I broke the silence between us. “Mihir, I must go. I cannot stay long here. Not anymore. Aira warned me about this and about what might happen. I should have listened to her. Its okay. I have some work to do. Sorry for cancelling today’s plans. Update me on your meeting up with your girlfriend. Bye!”

I walked too fast to leave the beach. I could see that he was still standing in the same place with more confusion. I do not know if confessing to him was the right thing to do. But I dared. I dared to confess because that would make things easier. Easier to let go and easier to accept. I went to a café nearby. I ordered my cup of coffee. It has been two hours already since I left him and came here. That’s when he sent me a text.

“Kiara, you have been more than a beautiful friend to me. I remember the first time we met. It was a few months ago. To be precise, it has been 8 months since we met. I never felt as owned as I felt with you. I never felt at home with a person until I met you. We have been more jovial and truer to ourselves. And now, I only wish we had met earlier. I wish I could change a lot of things just to be with you, just to make your brightness my power. But I fail to do so. I cannot unlove Amrutha, even if it is toxic. I cannot let go of things that have banded me within their strings. I only wish you had come into my life earlier. I have fallen for you a long time ago. And I realize that you too have fallen for me. Trust me, next time you won't fall in love; instead, you will rise in love for someone who is worth it. At that point, you’ll realize how unique you are. I cannot hurt you, but I ended up doing so. Our dreams might collide someday, and our destinies might rewrite themselves someday. But for today, you are a free bird lost in the sky of love. I promise, you will surely find someone who is more of a gentleman and less of an asshole. The only thing that is stopping me from acknowledging the fact that I love you is the possibility of how far Amrutha can go if I break her heart. She might go mad, and I cannot tell you those consequences. Maybe you are right; accepting is hard, and once you accept, there is nothing that stops you. I failed to accept, and so I failed myself. Thanks for everything, Pixie! ”

Tears rolled down my cheeks. I was not particularly sad, but I was a little lost. I needed to be alone, but not lonely, to maintain my composure. I texted Aira about everything right away. I then turned off my data after that. I took my diary and sat there. I can live without him because I lived before him. I want to live up to the belief in love that he instilled in me.

“Really things do not have ends, feelings do not have any timing, certainly. If one could turn back the time, he would become a magician for now, but who would have taken the responsibility for all the wounds that have been formed from the fragmented pieces of time?"

And I knew this is another chapter in my life that had begun and ended abruptly…